The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize