If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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