hotel room ftw
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
