She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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