Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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