At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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