She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
