I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
