I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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