my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
