haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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