she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
