she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize