i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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