watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
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