Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
