There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize