I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize