Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize