they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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