i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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