im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
