the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So gin and wine won't be happening again
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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