Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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