Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Im part way to drunk.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
