so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
