just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
