How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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