Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
