I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
