if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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