Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
