Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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