We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
