Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
