Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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