I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize