We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize