You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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