Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
