Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
