Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
