She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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