I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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