If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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