Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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