I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
