Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
