I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
