I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
