you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
