You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
