just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
