just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
