1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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